Yes, we are still alive...and doing very well. Next year I will do better I promise. Merry Christmas!

Late night sentiments.

I really should be in bed, but haven't had a free second to work on my Young Women stuff for tomorrow. So here I am working on my lesson. And on my desktop is this picture.

I keep opening it to view it and then closing it to work on my lesson. But I can't leave it alone. I love her. Everything I love about her I can see in this picture. The cute curve in her nose, her long dark eyelashes, her meaty cheeks, and her plump bottom lip. Her business on top-party in back hairdo. (I am not sure when her full head of hair is going to grow in) but I still love it. And her cute shoulder muscles that no matter how hard I try-I just can't seem to get my arms to look like that. She was so thrilled with the licorice I gave her she was hugging it. It was also partly covered in dirt and she didn't even care. I love being her mom. I was having a little bit of an ornery mommy day today and Dylan took all of her food and dumped it on the floor. I looked at her and said..."really Dylan, REALLY" and she looked and me with a great big smile on her face and said "ya." We all started to giggle. She is so different from Logan. I am learning even more things about myself then I thought I could. Mostly my greater capacity to love, and my lack of patience. I am working on the latter.

So lucky!

I know you hear about how one moment can alter the way you think about life. Until now, I had never experienced a moment that changed my way of thinking. Changed my attitude, changed my perspective. Most of you have heard this story, but I still wanted to share my sweet Dylan.

2 weeks ago I was making pancakes for breakfast at 7:30. Logan was still asleep and Dylan was sitting in her high chair right next to me. She was watching me cook and was very hungry and impatient. So I gave her some dry cereal to munch on while she waited. Cereal that she had eaten lots of times before. She started to choke so I quickly pulled her out of the high chair (which I do often because she gags on everything.) Usually by the time she is out of the high chair she is breathing and done, but not this time. She quit breathing all together. I did a finger sweep and couldn't feel anything...so I did a deep finger sweep and still nothing. She was panicking. Her eyes were wide open and scared, and her face was turning purple. She was making the motions to try to breathe and nothing was happening. I was standing in the middle of the kitchen floor and flipped her over onto my knee and started doing the baby Heimlich Maneuver. I was so scared...trying so hard not to panic. I grabbed my house phone and dialed 911. I ran into the living room and sat on the couch, trying to get a better position for the Heimlich. I was hitting this tiny 13 month old baby in between her shoulder blades and nothing was happening. I remember thinking, "I don't care if I break her ribs, or her back, as long as she breathes." It didn't matter to me if she was paralyzed as long as she started to breathe, as long as she lived. I was so scared. By this point, the man on the other end of the phone had dispatched the ambulance. He was beginning to get Dylan's information so he could help me out. I felt so helpless. I knew if I couldn't get her to breathe before the ambulance came that she probably wouldn't make it. Nothing was happening, I had and was doing everything I knew how to save her. I started panicking for real and started to cry when I told the man that she was 1. She was going limp and had quit fighting me. I just kept doing the only thing I knew to do. Hitting her over and over between the shoulder blades, praying and begging in my heart that she would breathe. Then miraculously, she started wheezing. Only a little bit of air, but it was air. I quickly picked her up from off my knee and started screaming into the phone, "she is getting air in, she is getting air in." Then she started to scream. I started sobbing. Big sobs. My whole body was shaking from the adrenaline. "She is breathing! That is her screaming, she is breathing. I think she is okay." "Ma'am, do you still want the ambulance to come?" All the sudden I came back to reality. "Do you think I need them to come?" I had no idea because she was breathing, and I didn't know protocol on these kinds of things. We decided that she was okay because she had quit crying and was already down on the floor walking away, onto the next thing. As if nothing had ever happened. He called off the ambulance and that was it. Little Dylan, breathing. For 2 minutes I held her life in my hands. A life I had no idea was so fragile. I watched her face the rest of the day. I couldn't quit crying for a long time, and lost it every time I looked into her eyes. So full of life. So curious and innocent. So beautiful. I still can't look into her eyes without being overwhelmed at the life I see in her face. The sparkle that I am so glad is still there. I am so grateful that she is okay. So grateful that she is my baby, and I get the chance to watch her grow. I will never be the same. I hear her screaming or fussing now, and I find myself thinking that it is a beautiful cry. I can take on her strong personality much easier and with much more patience. I pray that I never have to see another one of my children like that ever again. And I pray that I will never forget how fragile life really is, and how lucky I am to be a mom, no matter the circumstances.

Matt is engaged!

Matt (my older brother) has had the idea of how he was going to propose since we were in high school. He wanted to make a book that gave their dating history and all the pivotal moments of their relationship. All the pages have pictures of where they were and what they did. Then on the last page it has a picture of where he proposes-so he gave her the book at that location and when she got to the last page he proposed. The entire idea was Matt's. He remembered all the dates and times of everything. I just put it all together for him. This took me lots of hours, but I think it turned out okay. I would love to have something like this of Keith and I. I hope she liked it. I am super excited for them. They are a very cute couple, and she is perfect for our family. We all really like her, and how down to earth she is. I am way excited! The wedding is set for Saturday, June 27th.

Click here to view this photo book.

In whose hands?

I have been thinking and noticing a lot lately that I really don't have that much control over well....anything. But mostly over what Logan is exposed to when I am not around. I am completely terrified for him to grow up and see the world as it really is. I feel desperate sometimes not knowing how to protect him from harm, and from all the crazy things that the world has come up with. I want to be able to control every situation he is in and make sure he is always safe. I have been consumed with thoughts about this for the past 2 weeks. During my very first conversation with a new friend, she was talking about her 10 year old step son who lives summers with his non LDS mom. It is so hard for her, and her son. All the changes and all the situations they can't control. I had so much sympathy for the situation-I can't imagine how hard that would be. I asked her how she dealt with it, what did she do? Her answer, "pray, then pray some more." So this sparked the 2 week thought process. Everytime I am alone with Logan I feel myself constantly thinking of how I can keep him on the straight and narrow. Until the last couple weeks I thought I had to do it alone. Although I am still terrified for him to grow up, I feel much better knowing that I am not alone. That Logan is not alone. That we are all in the hands of our Father in Heaven. 

So, we were playing play doh yesterday and I was actually thinking about this while we were rolling out all of our dough and cutting them with our special cookie cutters. And the song came to me, "he's got the whole world in his hands" I started humming it while we were cutting and then I noticed this.

We had cut the purple hand quite a bit earlier and Logan had cut out a small circle. I didn't notice, but he had mixed the 2 greens before, and accidently made a perfect little world. I am really grateful that I don't have to do this whole parenting thing alone.  Because the older Logan gets, the more I realize I don't have all the answers. Just feeling grateful, that's all.

Dilly Dally

Oh Dilly Dally, Miss Dean, Squealin Dylan, or Silly Dilly-how we love you!

She had her 1st birthday. (2 weeks ago:) I can't believe it! That was the fastest year of my life. She actually decided to start walking on her birthday. She has almost been walking since Christmas so it was about time. There are so many things that I love about this little girl. She definitely keeps us on our toes. She has really picked up on sign language. If I was fluent in ASL I really think we could have conversations. She will pick up a new sign after showing her one time. It is amazing how smart they really are even though they can't talk. She can sign the words eat, milk, pain, daddy, Logan, dog, ball, sleep, baby, play, more, Jesus, bath and binkie just to name a few. When she doesn't know a sign for something she points and clicks her tongue. So she always knows how to get what she wants. She absolutely worships her Daddy. And she thinks Logan is hilarious. She has 8 teeth and almost 4 more. She still has to be swaddled to sleep, and she loves her binkie. She is always getting into things she shouldn't, and she can reach further than anyone I know. She doesn't stop...ever, but that is what makes her our silly dilly. More pictures to come!

I love technology...

So, for those of you who spend a lot of free time on the internet, I have found something amazing. Maybe you already knew about it, and maybe you didn't. But I am super excited about it so I wanted to share. It is a website that e-mails you your daily scripture study program. You can set up all the criteria, you can start where you are currently at, and you can study much more than the BofM. It even sends you the audio to that scripture study so if you are too lazy to actually read it, it will read it to you. You can click on the link that will take you to the site and you can highlight verses and leave notes. It will save all the information for you under your account name for future references. And here is the best part...it will only send you an e-mail every day if you actually read what is sent to you. At the bottom of your scriptures sent there is a "complete" button. You have to actually click it in order for them to send you the next e-mail. So if you don't happen to have time that day your inbox isn't going to get full of e-mails and overwhelm you with chapters to read. I love it! And wait...there's more. If you are feeling especially spiritual that day and would like to read more, there is a "send more" button, and it will send you the next days reading. I am so glad that I live in this age where it is possible to do this! Last but not least, it keeps track of what percentage of reading you have done. It told me today that I have read 28% of the BofM. I can even see how many days it will take me to finish. I know you can't wait to get started so here is the link :) Enjoy!

The mom I was never going to be.

It is funny how everything changes when you have kids. I am amazed everyday at the things that I once thought were so important that really aren't. Growing up, it was so easy to judge the way moms raised their kids. I had it figured out...at least I thought. Here are just a few of my pathetic LONG list.

My kids faces were always going to be clean. Specifically noses.
Their hair was always going to be done.
Their clothes were always going to match.
They were never going wear dorky Mickey Mouse, Winnie the Pooh, or action figure clothes.
They were never going to sleep in my bed.
They were going to have 3 healthy meals a day.
I was going to be a "hot" mom, always dressed and ready for the day-never shop in my pj's, etc.

You know the list. Everyone had one, and maybe we still do. But here is one thing I have learned in my 3 short years of parenthood. As long as my kids are happy and healthy none of those things matter. I bought Logan a spiderman sweater that lights up for Christmas, and I couldn't wait for him to wear it. I gave both Logan and Dylan a bath this morning, and couldn't get their faces washed the rest of the day, at least they started clean...right?!? Logan had chicken nuggets for breakfast, after he got in bed with me at 5:30 when he heard his Daddy leave for work. I didn't comb Logan's hair after his bath, and Dylan's looked great after her first nap, after her second nap...not so much. I thought I was going to really care what I look like, and try to be that "hot" mom, but I read once that when you become a parent every time you walk past a mirror you look at your kids reflection and not your own. It is so true, I looked in the mirror at my own reflection twice today. When I got ready for the day, and when I just brushed my teeth for bed. I probably looked at Dylan's reflection 5 times today. She even left a bunch of fingerprints on my mirror in the kitchen (fingerprints was another thing on my long list-but after President Monson said I didn't need to worry about them so much because someday I would miss them, I am getting over it) Anyway, this doesn't sound like I thought it would in my head-I really try to be a good mom, (and I do get ready every day) But what I am trying to get at it is what was so important to me before I had kids is not at all what I want for them now. All I want for my kids is for them to know that I love them, and that their Heavenly Father loves them. That is really all I want/need to accomplish. I could have fought with Logan about having nuggets for breakfast, or just compensate and give him something better for lunch. I am definitely learning to pick my battles because almost always the things that I argue with Logan about are usually so pointless when you look at the big picture. So here is my new list.

I want my kids to know I have a testimony.
I want to always be able to feed my kids by being prepared and working on my food storage.
I want my kids to always be comfortable enough with me that if they feel insecure, sad, or scared they can still crawl in my bed-even as teenagers.
I want them to know that I care about my body by being a good example of eating and dressing appropriately, and working out. But I also want them to know that there is much more to life than what you look like.
I want to have no regrets, and always be a positive example for them.

There are alot more things on this second list as well, but I will spare those of you who have even made it this far. I want to be a good-patient mom, and am learning that patience is something that I need to always be conscious of. I sure love my kids, and want to do everything I can to provide a bright future for them. So here is to a new year, and a new list.

New Year's Ugly Sweater Party!

This picture speaks for itself. I had a great time at this party. I don't know about everyone else, but I think this should definitely be a tradition. The picture made my sweater glow, but I looked even worse than the picture proves. Jayne and Don took our kids for the night, so we were free to do what we wanted. Logan was so excited to have a special sleep over at Grandma's house, when Keith dropped them off Logan said, "have a good time Dad." We were happy that he was okay with us doing our own thing that night.

We set up this nasty eagle backdrop with the Poinsettia and had a fun photo-shoot. I don't even dare post the other pictures. I caught people staring at me in disgust the entire night. I don't think I have ever looked uglier, but I sure had fun! It was a great way to bring in the new year.

Hanging with the Gramps!

We had the opportunity to go sledding with both Grandpa's. I love the way Logan thinks that he is for sure the favorite, and that his Grandpa's would do anything and everything for him. He doesn't ask anymore, he just expects that they want to do whatever he wants. He was having so much fun sledding in the freezing cold at Grandpa Don's house that he wouldn't come in. Jaden was even too cold to keep tubing. But Logan just assumed that because he wanted to keep going strong that Grandpa would let him. And he did. Same with Grandpa Hoggan, he wanted to ride the four wheeler and that is just what he got. Of course he didn't want to ride with anyone but Grandpa Hoggan. I love that he takes so much to the Grandpa's. Perfect role models for the little man. 

Christmas

I love Christmas! I didn't think anything could be better than the feeling of excitement I always had growing up. Getting new pj's on Christmas eve, then not being able to sleep because I was so excited for Santa to come. Opening all of my surprises to the light of the Christmas tree, and eating my very own box of cold cereal for breakfast. But, I found something better. Being Santa. Not the buying or wrapping part, but feeling more excited about watching others receive than actually receiving myself. The anticipation of seeing Logan's reaction, and hearing him say "thank you Santa!" was better than any feelings I got when I was young. Maybe I should rephrase that, because I loved it just as much then as I do now. It is an awesome feeling to see your kids happy and excited about something. I want to create for Logan and Dylan those same feelings I had as a kid. Although he was a little overwhelmed when he saw all the presents under the tree and realized that Santa really did come, he warmed up to the idea and loved all the presents. We didn't get any very good photos because every time he opened something new he had to show Grandpa Hoggan first. He piled all his presents at Grandpa's feet and gave all his Christmas ooh's and ahh's to Grandpa. But it was fun to see him excited and process it all. I look forward to more Christmas's with my little family. We tried really hard to let Logan know that we celebrate Christmas because the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. His relation to the whole thing is that Jesus loves Santa, and Santa loves Jesus. I guess it is a start. When we got home from Delta I put all of Logan's new cars and trucks on his new car rug and rolled it up to take them down stairs. It was heaping and Logan said, "mom, I am so lucky, look at all my stuff." "You are so lucky," I said, "actually you are so blessed." "Your right mom, I am so blessed."